This world of ours is changing. Even now I look outside my cabin windows and see the world blanketed in white. Soft snowflakes fall with grace, bringing with them the reality of the season and cold winds.

There is so much change and tragedy in the world these days, I don't know if it is the fast approach of the 'end of the world' as so many predict it to be, or if it is a change in consciousness, a change in the way we must live our lives; but life, on all fronts, has taken on an intensity that boarders on the insane.
I can feel all of it shifting, things are changing, people, events, places, the climate, everything; but I find that instead of an overwhelming feeling of fear, in it's place I feel, grateful; grateful for what I have experienced, blessed by the trials, chaos and love, and grateful to have the chance to meet a future that can hold anything, anything we work towards. That simple fact gives me hope.

I get overwhelmed by the state of the world sometimes, though, wishing to do something to help.
We have so much suffering.
Two shootings in a week and twenty small children dead. Lives snuffed out before they had a chance to really begin. All those families torn apart by such calamity. It makes my heart sick.

What is wrong in this world we are living in?
Something on a very base level is very wrong.
Why do we have mass murders. Genocide. Rape.
Why does our world hold humans who no longer see the value in living; and who crave to spread the sharp stab of death like salt on an icy sidewalk.
Why do we have a large mainstream society addicted to medication, to drugs, weed, alcohol, pain, reality-television, negativity and suffering.
     And why does it feel so hopeless to try and do anything about it?
This is our world, it's no longer enough to try and reform the laws, because honestly, its not about the gun laws or the government or the blame.
It's not about one crazy person. It's about the crazy we are fostering in the world we are living in.
It is the root issue of unhappiness not being addressed.

I feel so lonely when I think about it.

All of this talk isn't just a projection on the distant ramblings of a world on fire; recently chaos and tragedy have befallen my small valley.
Without giving away the details like fresh printed papers on a street corner, I would like to express my gratitude for a community that loves.
We may not always agree on polotics, or pesticides but in the face of one of the most extreme situations I have been close to, there has been an outpouring of love, attention, prayers and worry.
 We forget that tragedy takes no captives, and always leaves the dishes dirty in the sink, always leaves with mouths to feed, hands to hold and hearts already stretched past the breaking point.

I am blessed to hold the hand of my best friend while her world cumples and falls apart.
The other night we layed on the floor, tears leaking through to the fake lamente hardwood from the depths of both of us. I held her in my arms. The smallest and most instinctual thing I could do.
I felt my heart beating so fiercely, as if it might leave the confines of my chest, so fiercely did I want to hold her pain, so she would not have to feel the weight any more.
Every bit of my heart was present, loving her with such a tenacity I realized slowly that this is probably what they mean when they say having children is like having your heart walk around outside of your body. The feeling of loving someone so much and having absolutely no control over giving rest from the things giving them pain.
It's such a helpless feeling, but then somewhere in the ache, I found a peace, and my sobs grew still, because I am incredibly thankful to not be thousands of miles away from this woman and even though I can't take away her pain, I can make her dinner and understand and hold her and love her in the messy and chaotic way our world permits. And my heart beat fiercely for it. Even though it doesn't feel like enough, it is all I can give and I give it gladly, wishing I had more. and it makes my heart warm.

In all the mess of life, and death and the places in between, I am faced so strongly with the life I have.
I am faced with how exceptionally blessed I am.
I am blessed in having a cabin to live in, and wood to burn in my stove.
I am blessed in a family that loves the awkward and the odd and the tragic and the beautiful; a family that gives me so much courage and strength.
I am blessed in having incredible friends and a circle of woman to draw strength from, a community that cares, neighbors that stop to offer rides in the snow and the unshakable knowledge that I am blessed in being able to love; to have the simple capacity to know myself and to give from that deep place. I am blessed with time, to spend on the people who matter the most, and on the dreams that call my name through the snow covered gullies of my home.

The storm seems to be passing and we are still here, mostly.
The white snow falls on the valley and brings with it the calm in hope of peace.
Out of the darkness comes the twinkle of christmas lights and the calls of friends long separated by school and distance and time.
Under these mountain we dwell, carving out our lives and living with eyes open to the struggles that life brings and the shared joy in community. We are truly blessed to know the truth of what all the Christmas cards are talking about this holiday season.

I still struggle with feeling like I should be doing more for the world, but in all honesty the best place to start is with yourself and with the right now. So instead of moving to Hungry and feeding orphaned children (although I hope to do that someday) I will start by feeding my own family, and listening to the worlds of my friends. I will open myself to God and to the things I can do, which is listen and love and busy my hands with knitting and making food, sewing and music, building fires, editing movies and being present in this life. It doesn't feel like much, but it is at least something and I am so very grateful for something.


  1. Thank you... That really is something special to hear it stated by others. What a bitter sweetness is rearing it's mighty head. I am ever so thankful for you.


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