Going


Have you ever been going somewhere in your car and suddenly get the urge to just keep driving?
     Forgetting you responsibilities and tossing your schedule and long lists of To Do's out the window as you gloriously sail across the state line, eating up the miles like they're some kind of rock hard black and yellow delectable candy, watching the sky and the landscape flash by in waves of color and washes of delicate focus. Pointing your car in some direction and just going. 

Don't you wonder what it would be like? 

I have.

     I've been getting these impulses lately, especially, it seems, when I am driving to work. 
I just want to get on 133 and not turn off, not stop until I'm.. Well that's the problem, I'm not sure where I'd go, or where I'd end up. Probably the ocean. Maybe the grand canyon.. or maybe on someones door step with a bunch of flowers and a smile.
     You know, I have a lovely little life here, work and money and family and friends, but it's been feeling so much like a rehearsal for when real life starts. 
     I walk around smiling at people I've known my whole life, and saying the same damn things: 
     "Oh Hey! it's so lovely to see you! How are you doing these days? Yeah, I'm just working. Oh, I work at the cafe and the goat dairy, yes I am living here, for how long? I don't know, as long as I'm here I suppose. Yes, it was so lovely seeing you too, and of course I'll tell my mom you said Hi." -not that any of this isn't true, it IS lovely to see them, it IS lovely to feel connected and cared about and to care and connect to them as well. I just don't feel like I have any kind of substance or that I am really invested in any part of my life.
     I live in a rut, scared of the ghosts that are living and breathing in my town and scared of the hope I feel when I am confronted with them; I am haunted around every corner and every street, reminding me of love and lives I could of had, and that instead I am lonely and rehearsing for some life I don't even have an inkling of; and a little piece of it breaks me, every time. 
    But it's more than that I feel dream-like here, it's more than the rehearsing for some imaginary life, it's more than the heartache; 

I yearn to be challenged, and loved; fiercely and with hope!
     I want to grow, I yearn to feel like what I am doing is important or moving towards something. I yearn to feel connected and inspired! Able and excited to invest in myself and in the people around me. I yearn to work hard at the worth while things and have the creature comforts so many of us incredibly lucky first world citizens take for granted. Like a house, with a warm kitchen! and an oven and a bathtub! Space for the incredibly special people in my life to fill it's rooms with light and comfort and to have sweet hearts to come home to at night. 
     
     So naturally, I've been trying to think of a way to change my situation and make it produce these things I am yearning so deeply for; I've been thinking about going to school. I can feel how satisfying it could be to focus all my energy on learning things. And I want to learn so many things! I want to learn Acting and Dance. I want to learn about energetic healing and refresh and deepen my knowledge of herbolagy and natural healing. I want to learn how to cook well and bake food that fills you up with more than just nutrients. But so far, I haven't found any schools that teach me these things, or will allow me to learn in the ways I know I have to. 

  I've also realized I want to write a book. I'm learning what it's supposed to be about, maybe it's just telling my story, or maybe its a kind of how to, or maybe it's just poetry or songs. But I know I want to see my words on a glossy page. and in the acknowledgments I want to thank the people who have so touched my life and the people who have taught me so much about myself and about love and about the living of this great adventure I like to call life. 
   
  I've also been working on letting myself own my own desires. In my family, love is a hot topic, but even more so is monogamy, marriage and children. I have found it's easier and safer to hold my tongue and just leave the room if I can't stand the conversation. Thus it's hard for me to realize (in a vocal, sturdy kind of way) that I believe in love. And marriage and that I totally want to get married some day and have kids and a house and a husband. and that actually, I'm pretty freaking excited about it. 
    
     My cabin is quiet, out the single un-curtained window I can see a few of the tiny neon pricks of light shinning from houses on the outskirts of town. But I know that just up above those few dots of light are a million more, stars, shinning in glory against the deep dark velveteen sky.
And this gives me peace. 
     My clock ticks faithfully and my single yellow candle burns merrily. 
My body is tired, from work with the goats at the dairy, my muscles sore from stress but clean from one of the best showers I have had, after I climbed out of the gloriously hot rushing water I climbed into clean sweat pants straight out of the dryer and a large soft striped shirt that belongs to very special sweetheart out in California. Now that I have written this, the need of these words buzzing at me, now released, I shall lay back and eat the last bit of the honeyed ginger apple and plum crumble I made last night and then I shall fall asleep into the silence that wraps me up like an old friend and holds my heart beating sweetly while I dream. 

Show me where to walk, my angels, and I shall place my feet. Show me the mountain ranges and the sky and I shall breath you in. Take me somewhere and I shall go, willingly and with my whole heart.





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