A secret

There is a window. It looks out on an empty street. The empty street leads somewhere, but it is somewhere no one else needs to be.

I stand at this window, searching the skies for some kind of sign, I am the only soul beating inside these walls. These are the only eyes, gray, blinking emotion without time.

Yesterday we walked down beside the water, the stream cheerful as it meanders slowly, twisting and turning and singing with it's self. We laughed beside the water, we dipped naked toes into the stream, you asked me what was wrong and I told you the best I can. We leaned against mossy boulders, we climbed silver trees. This is all true, but it sounds like dream.

So much struggling. I see it everywhere. In how to please or make the best cake, how to keep the peace. How to move on without letting go. How to keep the pain at bay. How to hold your own, hand and heart. How to love. How to keep the fear at bay.

Shadows dance across my soul, they throw light into the darkness and then leave me blind.
Where will I dance when we've left each other behind?

I can write, I can sob, I can feel and dance and cook and delight.
I want to have a good life.
I need to stop the struggle for the pain, even if it is the medicine from the inside physician to heal the broken;
I do not want the chronic break.
I need to heal.
Send me to warm waters, deep and green. Send me to smiles that I can keep in the recesses of my mind, they will glow, they will shine.
Send me into arms that hold, send me into love that's gold.
I don't need to hold the tears in order to feel. I don't need to be sad, in order to know I can heal.
I want to shed this skin, I want to grow again.
I want to let it go, without the fear that I now know.

Send me straight toward the sun.
Let me shed my sweaters and my scarves let the warm shine down upon my scars and heal them into freckles of the sun.

Let laughter rein down and out and all around.
Let it sit quietly upon my breast as I close my eyes to rest, but knowing I am never quite alone.

Rumpled sheets and blankets soft, yet to be unwrapped, presents and words yet to be stated.
My toes are bare. My fire low, but it still burns still the embers glow.  I can find, I can know. But for now, I'll sit here, without the need to numb the fear, I will be, I will be, nothing more than what's inside of me.


Popular Posts