Where ever you go, go with your whole heart.

I have been living outside of my heart. I have been racing beyond my means. I have not had the time to process, nor the place to place my fear at facing all the depths and other things swimming in my heart.

Some days- like lately- I feel like my heart is an emotional version of Mary Poppins Bag- you know the one that she pulls a lamp and a full size picture frame out of? Or to use a more recent reference, Harmonies Bag, in the 7th Harry Potter book- either way, I feel like there is all this stuff inside me, all these words and beliefs and fears and hopes that are all jumbled together inside me.
I need the room to open up and let them out, to strew the floor with them, and lay everything bare.
I want the time to look at all the memories I am still holding onto.
All the old beliefs, lay them next to the new ones. Take the time, to see them clearly and make choices about which ones I invite back into my heart.

I have found myself living in pain. In the place where fear and insecurity rule the day. A place where I feel like maybe I am a little too blessed, a little too loved, a little too enjoyed, but instead of seeing what incredible blessings I have, and sitting with the deep appreciation and gratitude, I find I demand more of it to feel okay, to feel worthwhile. But the funny thing about insecurity is that the more things I get, the more smiles, the more pick up lines and loving texts and sweet connections, the more I feel I don't deserve them, and also the more I crave them.
It is an awful cycle.
     But in the last few days, I have been trying to let down that wall, let the sun back in, let all that gratitude for MY journey, for the blessings and lessons in my life pour unabashedly into my life, like morning sun streaming through my kitchen window.
     I danced an entire weekend. I laughed the hardest I have ever laughed in my life- seriously, face convulsing, falling off my chair, rolling on the floor.. So GOOD! felt sorry for the other people in the restaurant though- I let myself be loved, still a concept that is hard for me to let be a part of my life right now, letting my walls down, and -maybe a little too much- but living.
I get to this place, where I just want to shut down, I just want to stop loving and feeling and being involved with other people; where I don't want to be seen and therefor judged by other people. I want to withdraw as much as possible, but in reality, ceasing to live is not living.
Living through my heart, and knowing the faith and gratitude to let myself live there, to listen to God and speak back and take action is what living, to me, really is.
So I think I'll go pay rent, and then go buy myself some food and then I'll work on my art project-strewn across the floor- and then I'll sleep and talk to god and probably go to a Tango lesson tonight. And reach out to those people whom I love.
I have to keep remembering that God has me, and wants to have me and bless me, it's the only way I can begin to feel like I deserve all the blessings in my life.

With so much gratitude and faith.

Also, note to self (and you too, apperently) When feeling discouraged and out of sync; Create. DO something with color. Give all that energy somewhere to go.
Also, two great quotes:
it will all be alright in the end, if it's not alright, it's not the end.
and ...
Where ever you go, go with your whole heart.

xoxo this dancer


Popular Posts