Big, tilting, sunflower heart

This world is a slowly tilting sunflower. Chasing the sun.  I was a yellow petal reaching for the light.
But just now, my view is rather peculiar from where I am, upside down, eating my midnight snack of toast and yogurt and jam.

In the twilight of tonight, when teeth are brushed and skype chats are read and art supplies are piled loosely until morning and I am ready to be nestled in bed, I look out my window and look to the east, where that sun will rise, where just now it is dark and black and lit only by the cities pale orange glow; I look out there and I think.. How many people are out there, just there, tonight, living with joy or grief, with excitement, do they bed down, next to the one they love? Or is it a cold night under that unlit overpass?
 I know, somewhere in some house on some street there is a new family, rocking their new born baby to sleep, full of the sweet pride of parenthood and fear and love that overflows.

What is it that we make of this life? I have found that it's not how much we save or spend, or make; it's how we choose to live with our hearts, with our souls and with the time we have been given.
Happiness is where we are; life is now.

I have been living in the past, for a few weeks, struggling to find the balance to pull me back into my current sun bright days, but instead I have been pulling the curtains closed and blocking out the light, dwelling instead where the sun cannot reach me. I have been unhappy; feeling my insecurities acutely and not having the patience to stop; to stop lying to myself, stop running from the hurt, the confusion and the truth that lays awake inside of me.

And today, at 3am, I was finally able to stop running. To at least begin to look inside without regret or anger or fear. To put aside my petty desires and lay bare the untended of my heart.

And this is what I have found. We are all imperfect. That's what makes us beautiful.
imperfection is human nature, and that's how we are designed.
      With gratitude and humility I want to accept myself, all the hurt and broken parts, the beauties and the talents, the gains and the losses and mistakes; only when I can love them all with gratitude, can I be whole.
I want to live with my heart, be out in the wind breathing in the autumn air and balancing on railroad ties in the moonlight, with my heart. I want to be dancing with my heart, and traveling with my heart, and skydiving with my heart. I want to laugh so hard I collapse, the tears rolling down my neck, with my heart.
      I want my heart to have a million page passport and every page be stamped with all the amazing places and people I've seen and loved and lived, before I die.
      I know this isn't the safest way for a heart, it's bound to get dropped and broken and bruised, lost in translations and baggage claim, mis-labeled and mis-read; but when the light of the fire is shinning and high and everyone is dancing wildly around it, faces glowing and feet turning tirelessly to the heartbeat of the music in the dark, I will hold my heart high and no one will feel the magic of that moment more than me and my heart. When I dance, I can be free, the music, my partner, my heart and me.
     When the time comes, and there is that man on bended knee, over flowing, question burning in his eyes, offering and asking the world.  When I say yes, I will be sure.  I will know with the steadiness of truth that I love with my whole heart. With no regrets.

I will live fully, I will keep growing, even if I died tomorrow.
I am happy for the time I have been given, grateful for the love I have experienced and the inspirations I have seen dancing in the light of other peoples eyes, reflected back in mine.

Alright, it is late, and my eyes droop towards my pillow. Out goes my light. Sleep tight, big world out there. Thank you for giving me this place to dwell, this place to feel and this place to love.

xoxoxo

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