the day it broke.

I never really thought this day would come, but here it is just the same.


 Chaiah climbed out of bed this morning and said goodbye. Our love still loves in all the same ways but out minds and hearts need the space to find and discover all the rooms in our souls that have been dust-blanketed and shut away because they didn't fit in the story we were building together. 


We've been together for a very long time, but in that and getting together so young, it's freakin hard to grow up as a complete version of yourself, without the walls and spaces left to be filled with your partner, and without them you are simply lost.


Blues dancing is what threw it in my face so completely as blues dancing always does, it brings up any issues I have to look at or deal with because I have to listen so completely with my whole self in order to follow. I end up listening that hard to myself as well. It's a time when lying to myself becomes extremely difficult, if not impossible.


I went for a weekend blues event in Portland Oregon and while I was there I met some amazing and challenging people. There were a lot of connections made; connections that weren't fully acceptable being in a committed and happy relationship (..but who am I kidding? obviously it wasn't that happy or committed if I was letting in those kind of connections.. something was still not being met for me..)
And I let someone in too far, the moment his lips brushed mine, I knew that I was face to face with what I had been running from all these months.


 What if I want to try other things? What if I need to expand my own heart by loving other people? These realizations nearly killed me as I cried, tears running down my arms and sobs shaking me, as I sat leaning against a hedgerow facing the wet breeze coming off the river. Holy shit, talk about a turning point.


But probably the thing that was hurting the most was knowing that I had to tell Chaiah, this incredible and sweet, kind and generous boy who loves me and whom I love. Knowing that with those words I would be squashing something sacred and something real. 


I told him, as soon as I got home, which -for further reference, wait maybe a little bit- but I couldn't stand the thought of not telling him, of having that elephant in the room. So I laid it all bare, trying to be as  honest as I possibly could, taking the blame but also stating that in letting that guy kiss me I really realized that I need something more, something that Chaiah can't give me. 
Something only I can find in myself, but that I need the freedom to find it.


We took some days and I cried an awful lot. And then finally, last night, we talked.
 We have been having issues for a long time now, all these problems with needing to live for ourselves instead of having everything revolve around the other, I feel like I have to be there to raise him and he feels like he can't be a complete version of himself because I don't agree with some of his life style choices.. well really that one goes both way, he doesn't like my blues dancing (with good reason, really.. would you like your slightly unsatisfied love, feeling things you can't make her feel, dancing with some stranger?? no.. I wouldn't either) 


So we talked about breaking up. We cried, a lot. We talked about taking a break. That seemed easier, but not as complete. But when we talked about any chance of saving our relationship it had to be space and time away, for both of us, so that we could find ourselves and not rely on the other person in that sickly co-dependent way and so that I can discover in myself the things I need. 


It had to be some major change. 


Otherwise, our hearts would never survive. But when we started going over breaking up with a possibility of talking in a few months and seeing where we are, that seemed like the best option. 
     We're calling it a break, because Chaiah started freaking out when it was just breaking up saying that he wouldn't want to continue on and that there would be no way for him to want to find the things he needs in his heart if there is no hope at all. So we're gonna talk in two months. And then we'll just see.


So here we are, or I should say, here I am. My first day as a single girl in almost three years, but the funny thing is, my heart doesn't feel torn, tattered, broken or smashed.. at least not yet.


Okay, God, you and me, Time to find myself.


I know that I have to keep living in a really authentic way to how I feel, for my heart to keep beating out it's own rhythm. And that giving that up is not really a choice.


So now, even if it's up hill I'll Love. I'll Listen, with every facet of my heart. And I'll Keep going. Amen.








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