So today is a Friday in the middle of March in the year 2011. We have another massive natural disaster on our hands and the levels of terror in the eyes of the people I see are rising into it's own tsunami of fear.
What if this is the end of times that we're living in? What if our world is never the same?

But in the middle of all this panic, like a long exposed photo in grand central station and I'm the one standing still, I feel like my vision is clear.

I am a child of the 'end times', I know the fear, the hype, the confusion. I know about waiting for W2K and the prophecies and predictions. Heaven knows, I live in a town that loves feeding on conspiracy theories and fear of the big bad world out there.

But honestly, what's the point of filling your last days with panic? Now of course, I could totally turn around and eat my words like yesterday's take out, but from where I'm sitting, If I can leave each day fully lived than when the time comes I will feel fulfilled and content to leap into the next journey. Instead of simply panic stricken. I know we are creatures of habit, but, you never know.

Anyway, here I am in the kitchen, making up a new recipe for chocolate peanut butter cookies and enjoying the quiet. I am alone in the house tonight, my boyfriend is out enjoying time with his friends.
We had an in depth talk today in the grocery store parking lot, sitting in my new car (her name is Victoria) as the fresh March snow melted around us.

We talked mostly about how to find each of our own balance in the midst of our life together. We are only twenty and there is so much of life to be lived, but what's the point of not living the way you feel you must.
Life to me, is about finding your own happiness. That's the goal. But when you realize your waiting for the other one for everything, and that life has little silver lining because you're holding the happiness and weight of your lover with both hands and that you no longer feel entitled to finding your own self joy. You know things need to change. We each have parts of our selves that don't fit with the other one and it makes it painful when it's so in our faces.

I realize a tendency in myself to want to skip over the hard parts when I write, skip over the grueling and personal details and mis-placed words of my life, but that's what this is about for me; being vulnerable and showing my own weaknesses but there fore also finding my strengths.

So please pardon all my relationship digging and blow-by-blow re-inactions.

How do find our own path, when the landscape is already covered with the leavings of everyone else. How do we find in our selves the love we want to give away. And how do we decide on what we believe..?



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