My walk with my dog and God.
I went for a walk tonight. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, so out into the blistering cold and blowing snow I went. My jacket zipped up to it’s limit and the fur lined hood encasing my face.
I went out to clear my head, no, I went out to get some clarity. To feel like I’m not fighting at this big incredible and sometimes scary world, alone.
I took my trusty boarder collie Fly along with me, who, not caring the least bit that it was nearing ten O’clock, as soon as I said the word ‘walk’ was glued to my side with a kind of ecstatic joy, that I rarely see in my human world.
The snow was cold, blowing on my face and on my exposed hands and I quickened my pace to try and keep the cold at bay.
Fly immediately found a stick and dropped it at my feet, on the already snow clouded dirt of our road. Waiting expectantly for me to play, but when I walk past her she simply picks up the stick and trots up ahead of me to try again, dropping it at my feet, looking up with that boarder collie intense-ness that only they posses. Rather like God, sending out ‘tennis balls’ as my mother calls it.
That brings me to the subject of God. As I skrintch against the wind and walk down the road, light spilling from the few scattered neighbors houses out into the velvet dark, I am overwhelmed with a sense of disquiet. “Well shit, what in the hell am I doing with my life?!” I think and then I say this into the dark evening air, pretty much word for word.
But the answer comes quickly and I don’t have to strain to hear it. It says: Stop Fighting.
Now I don’t know about the God in the bible or the God that is a part or lacking in your life but I don’t really think it matters. God, the universe, Allah, The Great Spirit, Jesus, it has a thousand names but it’s absolutely nothing if you don’t believe in it for yourself.
Really your God could be anything: Like looking up at the clock and seeing it's 11:11 again and it makes you smile and feel connected to something. That can be your God, but you know whatever it is, it’s completely between you and God.
Stop fighting? I walked for a while in silence mulling that one over. Stop fighting what exactly?! Stop fighting myself? My living situation? My non-existing job? My family? My boyfriend? But the truth is that under all these questions I know.
Stop fighting the natural flow of life. The life that pulls you on, that makes you grow and cry and whoop! Let. Yourself. Live.
I walked for a while thinking all these things over, choosing to walk further than I had planned even though it meant a bit of a jaunt with the wind in my face. But sometimes you just need a little more time.
Then I stood over looking my valley. Tiny lights twinkled out against the darkness, muted a little by the soft snow that was falling, but my home town still looked like a safe and quiet harbor.
What a beautiful place.
I looked up at the moon, directly above me, now visible through the swiftly moving clouds. And then, I turn to my left and there right before me is the big herd of Elk. They descend from the mountains behind our place every winter, in search of a warmer winter and food. They look almost ghost like, dark shapes moving together in the wind. I stand still and between the muffled din of the wind I can hear their soft voices calling to each other.
And the moment stands still. Just like me, although the winds buffet against me. Their high pitched voices mix with it's dull roar. And my anxiety stops clawing at me. I stop worrying about tomorrow. About the future. I'm rooted exactly where I am and I think. What a world I live in.
And then Fly reenters my world reminding me that it’s cold and she has a new stick for me to throw. So I turn back to the road and we start back.
As we approach home, something strikes me. I have lived on this mesa my entire life, this has always been home.
My mother was pregnant with me here, this is the road she walked every day she was carrying me. I was born on this rocky hilltop mesa. And in my present state of wonder I let myself expand, feeling into the sweet blackness to where that steady voice of God waits for me. f someday I’ll walk down this road, my own child growing inside me. And I ask, “God, will I someday walk down these same roads carrying my kids inside me.. Will I have kids?” the answer is simply and comes without delay. “If you want them.”
I guess life doesn’t have to be so complicated, and I am so blessed. I guess we all are. You keep moving forward, you stop fighting and you keep looking for the things that make you smile, the things that even your toes love, the things that just feel right.
And then we’re almost home, and I know I’ll sleep better, that my life is better because of my walk with my dog and God.
I went out to clear my head, no, I went out to get some clarity. To feel like I’m not fighting at this big incredible and sometimes scary world, alone.
I took my trusty boarder collie Fly along with me, who, not caring the least bit that it was nearing ten O’clock, as soon as I said the word ‘walk’ was glued to my side with a kind of ecstatic joy, that I rarely see in my human world.
The snow was cold, blowing on my face and on my exposed hands and I quickened my pace to try and keep the cold at bay.
Fly immediately found a stick and dropped it at my feet, on the already snow clouded dirt of our road. Waiting expectantly for me to play, but when I walk past her she simply picks up the stick and trots up ahead of me to try again, dropping it at my feet, looking up with that boarder collie intense-ness that only they posses. Rather like God, sending out ‘tennis balls’ as my mother calls it.
That brings me to the subject of God. As I skrintch against the wind and walk down the road, light spilling from the few scattered neighbors houses out into the velvet dark, I am overwhelmed with a sense of disquiet. “Well shit, what in the hell am I doing with my life?!” I think and then I say this into the dark evening air, pretty much word for word.
But the answer comes quickly and I don’t have to strain to hear it. It says: Stop Fighting.
Now I don’t know about the God in the bible or the God that is a part or lacking in your life but I don’t really think it matters. God, the universe, Allah, The Great Spirit, Jesus, it has a thousand names but it’s absolutely nothing if you don’t believe in it for yourself.
Really your God could be anything: Like looking up at the clock and seeing it's 11:11 again and it makes you smile and feel connected to something. That can be your God, but you know whatever it is, it’s completely between you and God.
Stop fighting? I walked for a while in silence mulling that one over. Stop fighting what exactly?! Stop fighting myself? My living situation? My non-existing job? My family? My boyfriend? But the truth is that under all these questions I know.
Stop fighting the natural flow of life. The life that pulls you on, that makes you grow and cry and whoop! Let. Yourself. Live.
I walked for a while thinking all these things over, choosing to walk further than I had planned even though it meant a bit of a jaunt with the wind in my face. But sometimes you just need a little more time.
Then I stood over looking my valley. Tiny lights twinkled out against the darkness, muted a little by the soft snow that was falling, but my home town still looked like a safe and quiet harbor.
What a beautiful place.
I looked up at the moon, directly above me, now visible through the swiftly moving clouds. And then, I turn to my left and there right before me is the big herd of Elk. They descend from the mountains behind our place every winter, in search of a warmer winter and food. They look almost ghost like, dark shapes moving together in the wind. I stand still and between the muffled din of the wind I can hear their soft voices calling to each other.
And the moment stands still. Just like me, although the winds buffet against me. Their high pitched voices mix with it's dull roar. And my anxiety stops clawing at me. I stop worrying about tomorrow. About the future. I'm rooted exactly where I am and I think. What a world I live in.
And then Fly reenters my world reminding me that it’s cold and she has a new stick for me to throw. So I turn back to the road and we start back.
As we approach home, something strikes me. I have lived on this mesa my entire life, this has always been home.
My mother was pregnant with me here, this is the road she walked every day she was carrying me. I was born on this rocky hilltop mesa. And in my present state of wonder I let myself expand, feeling into the sweet blackness to where that steady voice of God waits for me. f someday I’ll walk down this road, my own child growing inside me. And I ask, “God, will I someday walk down these same roads carrying my kids inside me.. Will I have kids?” the answer is simply and comes without delay. “If you want them.”
I guess life doesn’t have to be so complicated, and I am so blessed. I guess we all are. You keep moving forward, you stop fighting and you keep looking for the things that make you smile, the things that even your toes love, the things that just feel right.
And then we’re almost home, and I know I’ll sleep better, that my life is better because of my walk with my dog and God.
