50% of the heart.

It's the middle of January. There is snow on the ground and blue in the sky. And here I am trying to face my fears.

    I have an opinion. I know how I feel.  But so often I find that I hold back and don't say what I actually think, because I'm afraid of being seen in the wrong light. Judged. Weighted and found wanting. I dread it. It makes my stomach curl in on itself thinking about it.  

But you know what? I'm seen in the wrong light all the time, because of things completely outside of my control. And I'm still here. 
And you know what else? As I get older I seem to understand more deeply that life isn't about having 'those people' see me in just the way they want to and then admire me for it. At that point I'm just a mirror. 
I think as a general rule, respect people a lot more, when they live in total accordance to their path and their inner heart. Maybe with some kindness thrown in.  

Life is messy, and life is wild. Why do we fight it? Why do we try to pretend that it's clean and perfect and easy?

I want to tell the story of the journey of my heart, barefaced and grounded. I want to lean into those vulnerable places and let my heart not be afraid to roar like a lion or be truly angry or cry like the spring of a river. I'm setting out to tell my story without monitoring or editing it to what I think people want to hear.   I want to let go of that fear of being judged.  
I guess that's why I named this blog Bare Foot Heart.

I stumbled upon something today that totally changed my life. You want to hear it? Yeah? You sure? Okay here it is:

In relationships with all the people in my life, I am only obligated to give 50 percent of myself to the relationship. That's it, just 50 percent. 

See, I've been going along my entire life feeling like such a shit for not giving more, or being there, ENOUGH. When in reality relationships don't feel rewarding if I always feel like it's near impossible to ever give enough. Plus, as lovely as it sounds, I don't want someone giving me 100% of themselves, I mean, come on, that's a lot of someone else, no matter how much you care about and love them. 

The other part of my epiphany is that when I stop struggling to give so much extra of myself (so that the other person feels loved/cared for/heard) is that all that EXTRA 50% of my energy, that I have been spending on them, can now be spent on me.           

     Now I know that sounds mighty selfish but in reality, as far as I can see, it just feels a lot healthier. When I can spend time knowing who I am, knowing how I feel, knowing what I want, I am a lot funner to hang around, and I WANT to be present and kind for the people I love in my life and you know what's even better? I find myself to be happier and more contented in my own life, instead of feeling so insecure and doubtful of myself. That all feels like a win to me.