The beach...

Today was Christmas and even though I had zero expectations for presents and the day (my family has never been big on holidays) I still felt a sort of let down at the end of the day.. as if I hadn't gotten that perfect present or somehow my day was not complete. I ended up picking a stupid fight with my boyfriend about it, because, of course being sensitive and caring to each other, we end up leading a very co-dependent relationship at times.

But it really got me thinking about what we choose to pull into our own spheres. I for one, really want a house (it's winter in Colorado, and not that I don't dig the funky -Homesteading-style of living my family has always done.. it's Freaking COLD in the winter time). But what am I doing about GETTING a house? Nothing.. sure I look in the paper every week, but I never call, and I don't have a real job, so the prospect of moving in with my boyfriend (when we aren't very stable) is daunting enough without putting the limitations of money and the fear that somehow if I rent a house, I'll never get out of my small town if I'm tied into something stable like that, which is ironically what I want. Stability.
Of course this is all complete bullshit since we can make whatever we want happen if we put everything we have into it. And I know that. But through my clouded mind it all looks kinda daunting.

That's the thing with change, we crave it when we need it most, but when it finally comes ( in a huge tidal wave) we resist it, tooth and nail. I'm in the craving stage. I'm sure I'll go into denial soon.

Before I go, I will paint a little picture.

A beach. At Dawn. The sand and water drenched in the wet clingy fog of early morning. The sounds are quiet, muffled: a pelican swooping low over head, the strong sighing of the ocean, like some peaceful being turning in it's sleep.
The sky is a hazy pink, mixing more purple and than a darker blue as you look away from the eastern horizon.
Your feet are bare, toes deliciously chilly in the cool white sand, but the rest of you is warm, wrapped in your favorite blue sweatshirt.
Everything is still.
And yet you can feel the world still turning on is crooked axle.
You take in a deep breath and inhale the scents of a new day; the salty smell of salt water, and the musky bloom from some unseen blossom. You drink it in.
You are totally alone, and in that glorious alone-ness you are surrounded by the light of the world. You feel grounded into the earth beneath your feet. Strong. Your heart is full and your eyes bright with the joy of the life inside of you and in the doing exactly what fulfills you. 
And with that the sun rises over the ocean and touches your face like a lover finding it's Juliet at last.


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